All Things But None

Well it ain't Thanksgiving. But I am grateful. Every day. Least I try to be. Driving to work this morning I was thinking about my car and a few other things. Next week my car will have 150k miles on it and it's less than 7 years old. A lot of times when I get to my destination, I would say to my car, "Thanks car!" and tap on the dashboard a bit as if I'm petting it. I know, one would think I would at least give it a name [or that I'm a loon!]! It's not like it can hear me, but maybe it has to do with the energy that you give back to yourself. I dunno. It has taken me to many places and I really, really love my car. Seriously, if I could drive it 'til I die, I would. Then I also thought about driving is actually a form of time travelling... But I digress.

I'm grateful for many things. My parents being alive and healthy. That they don't have to work anymore since they're retired. Since my mom didn't drive, I remember she used to take the bus around 5:30 in the morning for an hour and a half to get to work. Not that it's terribly bad, but it was bad for my mother in her 60's. I thought.

This is crazy but a lot of times when I see a custodian [especially an elderly] at the mall, at my job or wherever they may be working... I get a little sad! What if that was my parent! I think that would be heartbreaking for a child to see their parents working so hard. Picking up trash or cleaning the urinals. I know there are a lot more horrible jobs out there... I just get a little sad.

I also thought about having food on the table. I'm very fortunate that I can make myself a decent meal. I was sick earlier this week, and I'm even grateful for that because it reminded me to take real good care of my body [while I still can]. Sometimes we just take the simplest things for granted - a hot shower, money in our pocket, having a job, driving, eating out, listening to music, to be able to walk... Given maybe just a few feet away, things may not be so easy for others.

I'm not a buddhist but like I said, I'm quite fond of the subject itself. It teaches just a few of the simplest things: Be awake. In other words - just see. It's not too difficult. For instance, don't just eat and put food in your mouth... But while eating, think about the food that's going into your body... Where did it come from? The labor it took to produce it? How is it going to affect your body, etc. I know I know, if we think about things like that all the time while we're doing the things that we do, then who the hell has the time to do whatever that we're supposed to be doing anyway!!! But you know what I mean. Right? Just be a little conscious about your surroundings and eventually, things will become clearer... things will reveal themselves more openly, things will make more sense. But even if the idea didn't come from Buddhism, I still think it's a healthy and enriching way to see yourself and the world around you.

I'm rehashing images, at least it's a new post. No music today though, so you guys should be grateful for that! ahaha! Have a good weekend everyone.

Update: Okay, I lied about the music part. I can't help it.

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Currently listening:
k.d. lang - Hallelujah

...over me!

Well, I didn't say it. The last few posts have been a little sappy, haha, so I'm just gonna balance my blog out a little bit by f*cking you! Kidding!!! So I came across this song the other day and it made me horny chuckle. Closer to God is my [one and only] favorite song by Nine Inch Nails, so how wonderfully refreshing is that to pair it up with the Beatles!! And it just so happened the cover of the Closer single depict a photo of a millipede!! Tres kool! I miss Molli [pix above] and all her other friends. Ah well, her body's in my sister's backyard, but the rest of her is in pede heaven now - somewhere.

So maybe I can have a "New Music Thursday"? Wait, I can't, I hardly have any new music these days. And this isn't really new either cuz it's just a mash-up from 2 old songs. I was also thinking of taking a picture of yours truly in a tee-shirt, one picture a week... cuz I have so many friggin' shirts... But that sounds kinda lame. If I had a better body, well yeah... but neeooooo.

Anyway, I still 'wanna f*ck you'... heh! j/k! Happy Thursday.

PS. Okay, I'm bleeping out the word cuz my work doesn't like it and it blocks my site. Crapola!

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Currently listening:
Beatles vs. NIN - Come Closer Together

A guy friend of mine was telling me and another mutual friend of ours, that his wife had just cheated on him a few weeks ago while he was on a business trip. They have been married for almost 15 years and he just couldn't believe what is happening. He was in pretty bad shape cuz something tells him this is the end. He had never talked about any marital problems to us before because he didn't know anything that was detrimental... everything seemed so - normal.

Given any relationship, especially in a partnership, sometimes we tend to lose ourselves without realizing... We want to give, we want to nurture, we want to be there for the other person unconditionally... Isn't that what love is? Being unconditional? We want to give so much of ourselves sometimes we lose the sense of who we are... just to be loved by the other. We want to be loved...... There is no 110 percent.

I remember with my ex, us meeting with our therapist/counselor after work... Our second session, he never showed up. "So what does that tell you?", my therapist said to me. He pulled up a vacant chair next to mine and said "Now tell 'him' how angry you are." I told him I couldn't possibly talk to a chair with no one sitting there. I just couldn't. It was strange and uncomfortable, but I finally opened up and started to talk. I don't remember what I said exactly, I just remember crying to no end.

We're all brought up to do our very best, to fight for what we believe in, and forever trying... I gave everything I could to try to make it work. I gave it blindly. And so the hardest part for me was to face up to myself, telling myself that this is the end. No more denial. No more excuses. No more caring. No more 'love' from me. The bitter end. Finally putting my 3 years-worth of 'hardwork' to a close.

Life is paved with many hurdles. My friend will come out of this no doubt, but right now, I wish him comfort and understanding. Something good will come out of this - if he wants it.

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Currently listening:
Dead Can Dance - Hymn For The Fallen [Live]

While I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about non-attachment. For instance, I love music, yet I have made myself a slave. I love to read and look at new things, for I made myself a slave to those things, as well. I once read that it is the things that we love that make us blind and deaf. I guess that's somewhat true. I imagine myself a world without music [but where will it go?!?]... I'm sure it'll be difficult at first, but I wonder if I will 'hear' something - different? I guess it depends on how receptive I am.

I finally mailed the photobooks of Medina which I made for my nephews yesterday. I don't know why I took so long to do it. It was last July... Where did the time go? I still have her picture on my phone. We really don't know what we miss until they're gone. How trite, but yet real. I still wonder where our loved ones go when they leave...

I posted the story below a year ago. Exactly why I rehash material I do not know. Maybe I just want to keep remembering. If I find something worthwhile, I think it's worth the little time don't you think? No matter how long you've been away, remember to come back to it. I try to keep myself grounded every now and then by re-watching the movies that I love, re-reading stories that are significant to me, watching kids play, listening to my friends and family talk - closely. Life gives you a good reminder every now and then. But again, it all depends on how receptive we are.

The following piece is by Thich Nhat Hanh. To me, this is one of those reminders. Thanks again for reading everyone and have a wonderful weekend.

APPRECIATING EARTH
For many years I have told this story. Suppose two astronauts go to the moon. When they arrive, they have an accident and find out that they have only enough oxygen for two days. There is no hope of someone coming from Earth in time to rescue them. They have only two days to live. If you asked them at that moment, "What is your deepest wish?" they would answer, "To be back home walking on the beautiful planet Earth." That would be enough for them; they would not want anything else. They would not want to be the head of a large corporation, a big celebrity or president of the United States. They would not want anything except to be back on Earth--to be walking on Earth, enjoying every step, listening to the sounds of nature and holding the hand of their beloved while contemplating the moon.

We should live every day like people who have just been rescued from the moon. We are on Earth now, and we need to enjoy walking on this precious, beautiful planet. The Zen master Lin Chi said, "The miracle is not to walk on water but to walk on the Earth." I cherish that teaching. I enjoy just walking, even in busy places like airports and railway stations. In walking like that, with each step caressing our Mother Earth, we can inspire other people to do the same. We can enjoy every minute of our lives.

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Currently listening:
Brian Eno - An Ending [Ascent]

To one my favourite bloggers, and a good friend whom I had the pleasure to meet last summer. Hope you're doing well these days my friend. So when are you coming out to SoCal again? (-: Much luff.

Rilkean heart I looked for you
To give me transcendent experiences
To transport me out of self and aloneness
And alienation into a sense of
One-ness and connection ecstatic and magical
I became a junkie for it
I came looking for the next high
And I'm sorry
I've been putting the search on the wrong place

I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then
The reality

With cleaning up my emotional life
And I'm getting in touch with myself
I'm beginning to ground myself
In my own sense of being as an entity
One entity on the planet
Becoming truly self-reliant and become connected
With something beyond me
That is where I have to go
I'm so sorry
I've been putting the search on the wrong place

You're lost and don't know what to do
But that's not all of you
That's your reality today
And that is all okay

I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then
The reality

Rilkean heart......

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Currently listening:
Cocteau Twins - Rilkean Heart

Music is my maker. Wait, that's not right. Hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's Day weekend. I didn't have any green beer. I can't drink anyway. I uploaded this video about a week ago but never got to post it. Röyksopp's What Else Is There. It came out a couple of years ago but I think this particular video is one of the more memorable. Not that I watch and keep up with today's music/music videos, but this one simply appeals to me. It sorta reminds me of the video from This Mortal Coil's Acid, Bitter & Sad - being dark, brooding and having that muddy yet ethereal-like quality.

The director of WEIT Martin De Thurah also did Carpark North's Human, which I posted some time last year. He also did the 2 'car crash' commercials which I absolutely love. Guess I'll repost on a rainy day. Just can't get enough. But what do you care, right? ahaha!

This gives me inspiration. Often enough I post material that I find free-spirited!! Remember the one photographer who inscribed the word ENCHANT on a tiny pollen? Or the other photographer who took pictures of small children... I find them very much mesmerizing.

Boy this is a drab post innit? Do you have a favourite music video/director/photographer if any?? Hope you're having a good Monday and somewhat entertained by this! (-:

I dislike self-portraits, but I think I'll start to post 1 or 2 a month. Why not! Keeps me out of trouble! Thank you all again for commenting. Each one means more than you know. No special reason why I wrote all that this past Monday, I guess I was just reminiscing my time back in Phoenix. Good times. Not so good times. It was another me - same, different. Have a good and relaxing weekend everyone. Much luff.

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Currently listening:
The Hope Blister - Friday Afternoon

I guess I wanted to write this out for a long while now, but never did. It's all about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Gary. Some things are a tad blurred yet most I can even recite in my sleep. We learn every day - if we want to. I'm no different than others. We all had our darker days. So I think I'm just gonna write these things out yet in no chronological order. I believe everything happened in between 2 to 3 years time. I guess I was the poster-child for codependency. At the time I thought that things could not possibly get any worse, and of course, according to Murphy's Law, they always did. So where shall I start...

I ate Circle-K's hot dogs almost everyday for over 3 months straight. I think it fucked up my organs. But y'know, it kept me alive didn't it? I learned that what food looks like depends on how hungry you are.

I was staying at the local Y.M.C.A. during that time in the downtown Phoenix area [one off Central] for $65/week I believe. I had a semi-warm bed and I was very thankful for that.

I remember after I moved out of there, all I had left was a suitcase and a CD player. Pushing the suitcase in a shopping cart sure beats lugging it around in 115 degree heat!

I also frequented the local foodbank there. Carrying can goods in a cardboard box in Phoenix wasn't fun. Where was a shopping cart when you needed one?!?

I also visited Gary some time during our relationship at the Phoenix Maricopa County Jail, about 3 times a week. It was always hard to say goodbye. Everytime.

I moved 5 times around the Phoenix area in less than 2 years. Thank goodness I traveled light.

I had no furniture and food in this one apartment off Vanburen & 44th Street. Back then that neighborhood was full of prostitutes and drug dealers. I wonder how it is now?! Anyway, in that apartment, we didn't have a bed either, though it was carpeted and I had a single sheet.

I would sit quietly in the dark in the bedroom, while he would be having sex with strangers in the living room. He needed money and I had nothing more to give.

I remember most nights he would come home drunk and 'top' me and then leave right after. One would think I might've enjoyed it somewhat, but never did. I didn't know whether I was a top or a bottom at the time! He wasn't a bottom, so I guess I must've been. I know, stupid deductive thinking!

I finally did get a TV with my own money. One day I thought about submerging it in a tub full of water, but didn't. The next day the set was gone. Always follow your instinct, damnit!

I didn't get mad when I found out my truck was also sold for drug money. Prolly for a hundred dollar for all I know. I also had to sell almost every single possession that I had. Everything that's worth anything. From that point on I learned that no physical possession is really that important. But one will never realize it until that day comes.

I took the bus to work and worked from 6pm 'til 6am the next morning cuz the buses didn't run all night. Time went by slowly, so that was a good way to spend my waking hours I guess.

I roamed downtown Phoenix one night at around 2am in the morning for drug. I wanted to show him how awful it would be if he saw ME doing it. That night I bought and tried a really nasty-ass speedball and blacked out. That stuff can kill you! So don't use drug. Well you knew that already!

I cried and cried and cried the next day when he flushed his crack down the toilet. I was naive, thinking that was a pivoting moment for the both of us.

Anyway, that relationship was quite a ride. Also many things happened before and after. Like while we were staying at my parents' place, he would come home all drunk and belligerent. Me calling the cops. Him telling my mom that we had a fist fight [which was true!]. During my birthday one year in Phoenix two of my coworkers brought over a cake for me. When we got home, he was high as a kite and accused me of having sex with our neighbor's 13yo kid. Going to AA, Al-Anon [for me] and SCA meetings. Sleeping on the street, etc. Everything happens for a reason, right?

There were more stuff that went on which I probably blocked out. I don't quite remember. I thought I gave it my all, my 110 percent... but only to find out that there's no such thing. There isn't. Anyway, seeing a counselor/therapist was good for us. But for him not showing up the 2nd session told me a lot about him and his actions. The counselor really opened my eyes. I only saw him 3 times and that was the real turning point for me in my life.

But y'know, I don't regret a thing, but during all that time, it was definitely no fun and games. I kept it all to myself. Sometimes when we see a homeless person on the street, we wonder why he/she doesn't get a job, start a new life for him/herself, etc. I realized that when people are at a really low point in their life, it's more difficult for them to stand up and fight than we can ever imagine. Sometimes it just seems impossible to go on... like simply waking up and face the day. Maybe it wasn't the right time for them. We might see them as helpless today, he/she might be a different person tomorrow! Or not. People say others that don't want to live are 'cowards'... I truly think otherwise.

Life is too short to blame others for this and for that. If we do, we will never learn. I was naive [and stupid to most] and for me, it was probably a lesson that had to be learned. At the time, I remember telling myself that "Hey, I'm having it bad, but there's always someone out there who's in a much worse situation." These days, I'm safe and sound and I'm HIV- [although I did catch crabs from him! ugh!]... I count my blessings everyday. For all the 'negative', there's always something positive that's happening somewhere out there. There's always a flipside to things.

Have a great day!!

Alec asked me the other night why I love him... I just gave him some silly, mushy adjectives, yet I meant everything I said. Yesterday was our 8th anniversary and while I was driving to work the same morning, I asked myself on why I love him so.

I couldn't possibly put into words on why I love him, but I could say that what I love about him the most, is the fact that for him simply being - Alec! By that I mean he hasn't lost his identity one bit ever since we met at our previous work a decade ago, and that we've been leveraging each other to grow and mature through the years. He is still very much himself no doubt, but only more free, more love...

Even though we are 8 years apart, we happened to share a lot of similarities since we considered ourselves to be 'simple folks'. I love him for him being his own individual self... with his quirkiness and idiosyncrasies, his funny bit, watching his silly little dance and most of all, his love and care for things that are truly important in life.

Thanks B. To many more...

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Currently listening:
Jane Siberry - Calling All Angels [Millenium version]

Driving to work this morning, listening to a particular song and it got me thinking [other than "God I really don't have much to say on my blog these days!!! *shrug*]: How often does something moves you in a way, at that particular instance, that you start getting ideas, changing your mood, having a different attitude on things...

Like having ideas on a new project: a sketch, a painting, a musical piece or a short story of sort [yet for some reason blogging doesn't really count for me!], redecorating, a new recipe, a new haircut, a radical art piece or whatever... Stepping out of your norm/comfort zone and actually doing something with your so-called 'idea'!! Getting inspired by certain something and out comes creativity. A glorious birth. How wonderful is that......

But then, almost always, it doesn't happen!

So so many factors play in that scenario from your 'brilliant creative plan' to 'what-was-I-thinking-now-again?'. Yet I'm sure all of the 'unused' remnants are being compartmentalized somewhere in our delicate pretty little heads. But it's so amazing to me just how a certain something [a song, a phrase, a leaf, a papercut, a color, a smell, etc.] can transcend whatever within you to carry your thought from one spectrum/extreme to another... No singular thought is ever stagnat. Everything is interconnected.

As silly as it sounds, that was my observation for this morning. *shrug again*

Not mine, but the title of the Peugeot commercial that's near the end of the post. These days I feel 'inadequate' when I don't autoplay a piece of music along with a post. ahaha. Joking. La Breeze is a fun track, it must be cuz if Brian Eno and Ladytron took their time to revamp it, it must be good eh? Tho Eno's version sounded like Richard David James had reconstructed it!? Somewhat. As loud as this track is, I'm sure it's driving readers crazy n' away. *shrug*

I took yesterday and today off work. A tub guy was here yesterday to reglaze/refurface our existing tub. He'll be finishing up today. Saw some 'plumber's crack' yesterday, neither good or bad. 2 consecutive days off from work while staying home, seems like a very long time... while you're stuck in front of the 'puter anyway. Not complaining. Tho I did work on a presentation for work. 'em clients are driving me mad - sometimes. I'm thinking that's part of their job.

So what is happening with my life? No one knows this [well, bloggers anyway!] but I've taken up cooking since late last year. Prior to that Alec and I would have dinners from boxes, cans, hydrated packages, take-outs and what not. I would make fish and meat dishes every now and then, but nothing fancy. Oright and spaghetti's and hot dogs enough times. These days I try to make some unique sauces, buying lotza fresh and different types of veggies, using various techniques and condiments to liven up the dishes. Friends and I discovered this store named Surfas near us and it's amazing. Pretty much anything you want in cooking, all there in one store. For me, it's gotten to be an addiction. I've also bought books and videos online. Last night I watched a "How To" video on souffles. Haven't started making desserts yet, but it's oh-so amazing to watch. 'nuff of me babbling on food.

Tonight I'm gonna go see one of my fave surrealists work on display - René Magritte. He ranks No. 2 on my list, and No. 1 being Jean Cocteau, and I have a tat to prove it, too. I posted an entry about Magritte back in 2003. I think one would find it quite clever if you're familiar with his work [not that I personally wrote the piece!].

What else. Oright, even tho the gents from Simian are no longer together, right before they parted a marketing firm and Peugeot had launched a commercial using this particular song. I think they did a pretty awesome job don't you think? I swore they must've used one of the animators from TokyoPlastic!!

Lastly, a couple of wonderful bloggers [but hey, everyone's wonderful right?] like Lola and Jay had recently sent me some really nice personal gifts via snail mail. I'm elated! Thanks guys. Email in progress, I promise! (-:

May you all have a good month of March.

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Currently listening:
Simian - La Breeze [Ladytron remix]