A guy friend of mine was telling me and another mutual friend of ours, that his wife had just cheated on him a few weeks ago while he was on a business trip. They have been married for almost 15 years and he just couldn't believe what is happening. He was in pretty bad shape cuz something tells him this is the end. He had never talked about any marital problems to us before because he didn't know anything that was detrimental... everything seemed so - normal.
Given any relationship, especially in a partnership, sometimes we tend to lose ourselves without realizing... We want to give, we want to nurture, we want to be there for the other person unconditionally... Isn't that what love is? Being unconditional? We want to give so much of ourselves sometimes we lose the sense of who we are... just to be loved by the other. We want to be loved...... There is no 110 percent.
I remember with my ex, us meeting with our therapist/counselor after work... Our second session, he never showed up. "So what does that tell you?", my therapist said to me. He pulled up a vacant chair next to mine and said "Now tell 'him' how angry you are." I told him I couldn't possibly talk to a chair with no one sitting there. I just couldn't. It was strange and uncomfortable, but I finally opened up and started to talk. I don't remember what I said exactly, I just remember crying to no end.
We're all brought up to do our very best, to fight for what we believe in, and forever trying... I gave everything I could to try to make it work. I gave it blindly. And so the hardest part for me was to face up to myself, telling myself that this is the end. No more denial. No more excuses. No more caring. No more 'love' from me. The bitter end. Finally putting my 3 years-worth of 'hardwork' to a close.
Life is paved with many hurdles. My friend will come out of this no doubt, but right now, I wish him comfort and understanding. Something good will come out of this - if he wants it.
--
Currently listening:
Dead Can Dance - Hymn For The Fallen [Live]
Comments (7)
Relationships....Hrm....
Posted by Wayne | March 30, 2007 7:54 AM
Posted on March 30, 2007 07:54
Better three than -- 23 years.
Posted by wilhelm | March 29, 2007 5:28 PM
Posted on March 29, 2007 17:28
You sound like a very caring friend!
I hope your friend gets through this o.k. He's lucky to have you in his corner!
It is hard to deal with relationships sometimes. We want people to be how we envision them, and most of us fall short of those high standards ourselves. All we can do is respect ourselves by admitting to the problems we see but delay acting upon. If I had a dollar for every time I looked the other way and shrugged off the inevitable...
Thanks Jason. He'll be okay. It's a rough road ahead for both of them, but all they need is some understanding from each other and a bit of time.
Respect. Respect is a very good word indeed. You're smart for a youngin'! :-)
Posted by Jason | March 29, 2007 6:33 AM
Posted on March 29, 2007 06:33
Relationships are very hard work, but when you come to the realization that nothing is going to change unless you make the change, then you do what you have to do. The couples therapy obviously helped with that and gave you the motivation you needed to move on.
I believe relationship shouldn't be difficult work... I think as long as you stay true to yourself, if it doesn't work out, then the two people weren't really meant to be... But if it does work, it should come naturally. Sure there'll be disagreement and differences, but that's just part of the process! Like all else.
Posted by Greg | March 28, 2007 3:14 PM
Posted on March 28, 2007 15:14
Great words Robert!
Oh, and thank you so much, my lovely friend! The package arrived today. I LOVE Darshan! Thank you for thinking of me!
Your 2nd pkg is coming! :-) Play loud! ahaha!
Posted by lola | March 28, 2007 2:02 PM
Posted on March 28, 2007 14:02
Relationships are hard but so worth it. However, I've always had a hard time getting my head around infidelity. That bit of trust is needed for me.
I hope you're friend will be OK.
...that is a tough place to be in.
Thanks Matty. He's okay... yet just this morning he told me: "Two words. 'It's. Over.'" Never easy.
Posted by matty | March 28, 2007 1:48 PM
Posted on March 28, 2007 13:48
I don't think you did give 'blindly." I think that if you did what you thought you should for good and positive reasons, you did your part. To have withheld love or affection or communication would have been to deny yourself what you knew to be right and true. That would be wrong. To know what you're supposed to do and not do it. Not all situations are the same, I know that. I remember someone saying that we can always yell at the ocean....it's bigger than we are and can take it. Go, scream, yell...just like you did at the chair. My thoughts and heart are with you and your friend.
Thanks Lewis. Yeah, I did what I know best, yet everything back then seemed so automatic. Like when he ended up in jail, what else to do but to go visit him!! These days, I don't yell anymore, cuz it gives me the shakes!!
Posted by Lewis | March 28, 2007 12:55 PM
Posted on March 28, 2007 12:55