All Things But None

I guess I wanted to write this out for a long while now, but never did. It's all about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Gary. Some things are a tad blurred yet most I can even recite in my sleep. We learn every day - if we want to. I'm no different than others. We all had our darker days. So I think I'm just gonna write these things out yet in no chronological order. I believe everything happened in between 2 to 3 years time. I guess I was the poster-child for codependency. At the time I thought that things could not possibly get any worse, and of course, according to Murphy's Law, they always did. So where shall I start...

I ate Circle-K's hot dogs almost everyday for over 3 months straight. I think it fucked up my organs. But y'know, it kept me alive didn't it? I learned that what food looks like depends on how hungry you are.

I was staying at the local Y.M.C.A. during that time in the downtown Phoenix area [one off Central] for $65/week I believe. I had a semi-warm bed and I was very thankful for that.

I remember after I moved out of there, all I had left was a suitcase and a CD player. Pushing the suitcase in a shopping cart sure beats lugging it around in 115 degree heat!

I also frequented the local foodbank there. Carrying can goods in a cardboard box in Phoenix wasn't fun. Where was a shopping cart when you needed one?!?

I also visited Gary some time during our relationship at the Phoenix Maricopa County Jail, about 3 times a week. It was always hard to say goodbye. Everytime.

I moved 5 times around the Phoenix area in less than 2 years. Thank goodness I traveled light.

I had no furniture and food in this one apartment off Vanburen & 44th Street. Back then that neighborhood was full of prostitutes and drug dealers. I wonder how it is now?! Anyway, in that apartment, we didn't have a bed either, though it was carpeted and I had a single sheet.

I would sit quietly in the dark in the bedroom, while he would be having sex with strangers in the living room. He needed money and I had nothing more to give.

I remember most nights he would come home drunk and 'top' me and then leave right after. One would think I might've enjoyed it somewhat, but never did. I didn't know whether I was a top or a bottom at the time! He wasn't a bottom, so I guess I must've been. I know, stupid deductive thinking!

I finally did get a TV with my own money. One day I thought about submerging it in a tub full of water, but didn't. The next day the set was gone. Always follow your instinct, damnit!

I didn't get mad when I found out my truck was also sold for drug money. Prolly for a hundred dollar for all I know. I also had to sell almost every single possession that I had. Everything that's worth anything. From that point on I learned that no physical possession is really that important. But one will never realize it until that day comes.

I took the bus to work and worked from 6pm 'til 6am the next morning cuz the buses didn't run all night. Time went by slowly, so that was a good way to spend my waking hours I guess.

I roamed downtown Phoenix one night at around 2am in the morning for drug. I wanted to show him how awful it would be if he saw ME doing it. That night I bought and tried a really nasty-ass speedball and blacked out. That stuff can kill you! So don't use drug. Well you knew that already!

I cried and cried and cried the next day when he flushed his crack down the toilet. I was naive, thinking that was a pivoting moment for the both of us.

Anyway, that relationship was quite a ride. Also many things happened before and after. Like while we were staying at my parents' place, he would come home all drunk and belligerent. Me calling the cops. Him telling my mom that we had a fist fight [which was true!]. During my birthday one year in Phoenix two of my coworkers brought over a cake for me. When we got home, he was high as a kite and accused me of having sex with our neighbor's 13yo kid. Going to AA, Al-Anon [for me] and SCA meetings. Sleeping on the street, etc. Everything happens for a reason, right?

There were more stuff that went on which I probably blocked out. I don't quite remember. I thought I gave it my all, my 110 percent... but only to find out that there's no such thing. There isn't. Anyway, seeing a counselor/therapist was good for us. But for him not showing up the 2nd session told me a lot about him and his actions. The counselor really opened my eyes. I only saw him 3 times and that was the real turning point for me in my life.

But y'know, I don't regret a thing, but during all that time, it was definitely no fun and games. I kept it all to myself. Sometimes when we see a homeless person on the street, we wonder why he/she doesn't get a job, start a new life for him/herself, etc. I realized that when people are at a really low point in their life, it's more difficult for them to stand up and fight than we can ever imagine. Sometimes it just seems impossible to go on... like simply waking up and face the day. Maybe it wasn't the right time for them. We might see them as helpless today, he/she might be a different person tomorrow! Or not. People say others that don't want to live are 'cowards'... I truly think otherwise.

Life is too short to blame others for this and for that. If we do, we will never learn. I was naive [and stupid to most] and for me, it was probably a lesson that had to be learned. At the time, I remember telling myself that "Hey, I'm having it bad, but there's always someone out there who's in a much worse situation." These days, I'm safe and sound and I'm HIV- [although I did catch crabs from him! ugh!]... I count my blessings everyday. For all the 'negative', there's always something positive that's happening somewhere out there. There's always a flipside to things.

Have a great day!!