All Things But None

In-Between Thoughts
Where are you?
Where would you like me to be?
I just want you to be near me!
You're fine as you are. You don't need anyone else but yourself.
Maybe, but I need something... seems like all my life I've been searching, and waiting...
For what?
Something... I dunno. Wait, I can't see you... Where'd you go?
I'm right here.
I still can't see you...
There's no need for you to see me.
I feel your presence...
And I feel yours, too.
At times I feel so stagnant... sometimes I just want to hide from everything and everyone.
You are all created to feel so many wonderful things.
Sometimes I feel like this place isn't for me...
Where else would you be?
It's not what I expected…
Everyone plays a vital part. Every one.
Why the suffering?
It's as perfect as it can be.
Why can't I be... rich? Or successful?
The same reason why you're not rich, or successful.
Sometimes, I feel a little… sad… not grieve, but just - sad…
You feel the way you are, you are the way you feel. But it's beyond that, too.
I have so many questions but...
And you want to know the ultimate Truth?
No, well yes... but, no, nevermind! Wait, what if I said YES?
Then the truth you shall have. But what makes you want to believe what I am about to tell you?
Hmm...
That is, if you can comprehend such a thing as - the Truth. But most likely, you probably have your own interpretation on what Truth is already.
I guess.
You're not the question nor the answer.
I question about a lot of... things...
But you are here for a reason.
I think I know what it is.
You only think you know what it is!
That's so unfair... will I ever find out?
Soon.
You play stupid games and people get tired of it!!
It seems that way, and I've been told that many times indeed.
What's the point of all THIS?
The reason will come to you some day when you least expect it.
I thought I can trust you but...
People don't understand.
Understand what?
The heart.
What about it?
People seek, but they do not want to learn.
Why not?
People do not want to learn when they think they already knew.
When will I truly know?
When you pass on.
Well shit, I'll never find out then in this lifetime.
There's nothing for you to find, only to learn, and to share what you've learned.
Y'know, people have doubts in you!
And that they shall. A free mind is a powerful thing.
What about love?
It's all around you. Even now.
At times, I'm so tired of this… tired of... being... just being...
Be patient. It'll come to you in time.
Yeah, whatever!
When you were born, you became - unclean.
Say what?
So all your life you keep trying, yet you'll never be the same, and that alone, is part of the reason why you're here.
…
Time will tell all.
I wish you would just go away…
Would that be a good thing?
I'll take my chances!
The true eyes and ears are through one's heart.
Easy for you to say!! I'm leaving!
Remember, while you're here, everything is yours and isn't. You are your own destiny - be with it.
…
...and Ill see you again.

--

Silly me! The above 'conversation' was written back in May 27, 2003. And now, almost 6 years later... The man in behind the mirror...... Have I changed much? I was re-reading some of my old entries and some made me happy and smilin', yet some made me sad...

Well, that's life for you innit?

--

Currently listening:
Lunz - Lunz

How have you been lately? If you're feeling a bit down, hang in there. Life goes in cycles. What goes up, must come down. What spirals down, eventually, will come back up! I tell myself, it may appear to be an 'imperfect' world, but when you put everything together, it is as perfect as perfect can be. This I tell Bobby!

Along with myself, my colleagues are being let go as well... Another coworker of mine just had a double mastectomy, my mom is going into surgery in about a week, and a friend's mother just passed away a few days ago! Yesterday my friend told me that one of his best friends killed himself sometime last week, and he's been spending the past 4 days cleaning up his friend's apartment. Not easy for him. Not easy for anyone. He also told me that he's been thinking... that the situation forces him to re-evaluate his life and he thinks that sometimes, everything seems so – meaningless... "Find the meaning in the meaningless," I only said.

Sometimes life itself can be overwhelming. What can you do? Making life choices... It can be scary and exciting at the same time. Like standing at a crossroad...

So much going on in John Oswald's mind. Almost too much it seems! I remember seeing the CD Plexure in the store and I thought to myself: I've got to get this! If you haven't heard of his 'music' before, give preplex a listen... It will either drive you insanely crazy, or you might feel somewhat intrigued about his 'orgy of sound'! See how many songs you recognize! heh! Oswald also did a good few art pieces, installations and performances, etc. Also check out P l u n d e r p h o n i c s if you're remotely interested!

He also did the Janéad O'Jakriel image and the Jackoscan soundbit below. I don't know, I find the lady's voice very hynotic and soothing for some reason. But once you start it, you can't stop it. Sorry! Music [and life] is chaotically beautiful sometimes innit?

Enjoy the madness and have a great weekend everyone!

This simple word contains all the religions of the world. It contains trust, it contains love, it contains surrender. It contains all the prayers that have ever been said, are being said and will ever be said. If you can say 'yes' with all your heart, you have said all that can be said. To say 'yes' to existence is to be religious, to say 'no' is to be irreligious.

That's my definition of the atheist and the theist. The atheist is not one who denies God and the theist is not one who believes in God – not necessarily so, because we have seen great theists who never believed in God and tremendously enlightened people who never talked about God. But they talked about yes; they had to talk about yes.

God can be dropped as an unnecessary hypothesis, but yes cannot be dropped. Yes is the very spirit of godliness. And yes can exist without God, but God cannot exist without yes. God is only the body, yes is the soul.

There are people who believe in God and yet I will call them atheists, because their belief has no yes behind it. Their belief is bogus, their belief is formal, their belief is given by others, it is borrowed. Their parents, priests and teachers have taught them that God exists; they have made them so afraid that they cannot even question the existence of God. And they have given them promises of great things if they believe in God. There will be great rewards in heaven if you believe and great punishments in hell if you don't believe. Fear and greed have been exploited. The priest has behaved with the congregation almost like the psychologist behaves with the rats upon which he experiments. The rats are controlled by punishment and reward. Reward them, and they start learning the thing for which they are rewarded; punish them, and they start unlearning the thing for which they are punished...

Theists, atheists, both are victims. The really religious person has nothing to do with the Bible or the Koran or the Bhagavad Gita. The really religious person has a deep communion with existence. He can say yes to a rose flower, he can say yes to the stars, he can say yes to people, he can say yes to his own being, to his own desires. He can say yes to whatever life brings him; he is a yea-sayer.

And in this yea-saying is contained the essential prayer.

Text by Osho

--

And of course, also knowing exactly when to say Yes [and No] is crucial to our well being. I guess this is what they called a poor man's entry – something borrowed. Well, I like sharing, even if it's not my own. I was going to post a song and a photo and write about my weekend, but I'll do that tomorrow or the following day rather.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Happy Monday. Yes? Yes.

"Happy Monday!!" Right. It's not Monday, but that's what I always say whenever I greet people on Monday mornings. People find that annoying probably. It's not a bad thing to say is it? But maybe it's not a good thing either?!? What do you think? People dread Mondays, but if you're mentally well enough to get up and head to the office in the morning, isn't this a good day? How one sees his/her day, maybe it's like whether one sees the glass half-empty or half-full. What do you see? I often say it all depends on what's in the glass. Is there a glass? What glass? Why are you asking? What was the question again?! Actually, today IS Monday, I'm just writing my post early.

Right now I'm at work listening to The Well-Tempered Clavier... very soothing. People are bustling around, walking here and there... As for me? I haven't had much to do since I got my notice. I told my clients about my last day coming up and the work's been pretty much diminished. Yay! These days, I'm more like a spectator in a corporate world. It's nice and I really don't mind.

Did you all have a good weekend? I hope so. This past weekend was my grandmother's 97th birthday, and I thought she turned 97 last year! I guess she's not that old! It was also my parents' anniversary as well, I believe it was their 50th, if not 52nd. I never ask for the specifics. Alec and I just bought them little gifts. They never want anything fancy... I'm the same way. We all took pictures. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday to my grandma, my sisters and my cousin started singing the song in Chinese, for which I didn't know the words... It was kinda funny to hear it in Cantonese. My grandma even clapped. It was very nice to see. I've never seen her smile so big and being this joyful before, at least not for the last 15 years or so. My grandfather passed away more than 70 years ago, if only he could see her now... A moment which I won't forget any time soon.

Thanks for letting us celebrate your birthday grandma... I wouldn't miss it for the world.

PS. Well, that was all from yesterday. Funny I never say "Happy Tuesday", hmm...

Work is so mundane these days. Not when you're armed with a camera phone. I sent this to one of my coworkers yesterday [via MMS] and titled it "Funny or Gross?" Maybe odd to a few and more so disgusting to many? I dunno. I like love toilet humor. Does this count?

As far as taking pictures, once I'm over and done with my current job, I'll have more time to spend on my photography 'hobby'. And speaking of time, I apologize for not replying to most of my email since I've been working on a website for the past weeks. I'll get to them some time this week.

Yes. I'll take more pictures soon enough... Pictures that are more risque maybe? One life, we have to make the most of it... Yes, even when it comes to taking 'naughty' photos.

Photos via camera phone

--

Currently listening:
Simian - La Breeze

When you think, what happens? When you think, you are closed. The present world drops away from you and you move on a dream path in your mind. One word creates another, one thought creates another, and you go on moving from one to the next, moving further and further away from existence. Thinking is a means of going away. It is a dream way; it is dreaming in concepts.

Come back down to earth. Be very earthly in this sense; not worldly, but very earthly, substantial. Come back to existence.

Life's problems can be solved only when you become deeply rooted in existence. Flying in thoughts, you move away from your roots, and the further away you are, the less likely it is that you will solve anything. Rather, you will confuse everything and everything will become more entangled. And the more entangled things are, the more you will think, and the further away you will move... Beware of thinking!

Text by Osho

--

Sounds like day-dreaming to me, but I think I know what he meant. But sometimes when I think I'm thinking thinking, still, nothing comes to me. bleh! What can you do. *shrug*

How are you today? I've been counting, only 3 plus more weeks of work! Recently I asked my boss if I could stay home 2 days out of the week and do my 'life-planning', he agreed. So I have about 10 days worth of 'work'. So today I'm home! woohoo! It's an odd feeling, but I'm still feeling pretty good about it. Someone called the other day about a job lead, and currently I'm just finishing up my 3rd version of my online portfolio. After I'm finished with it, I think I will head out and take some pictures. What a great day, and I hope yours will be, too!

Life can only get better—if one wants it. Yeah? So yes, I'm still thinking about a bunch of stuff, but not too much! :-) Have a grrreat Friday everyone!

xo, r

PS. Arnie had written a pretty awesome post yesterday about 'life'. He's such a sweetheart!

A man who was frightened of dentists delayed seeing one until he only had six teeth left in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, 'These teeth are finished. Let me do some root canal work, implants and all those other things I do, and you'll have a complete new set of choppers. You'll look beautiful and you won't have any more problems chewing.'

The man was dubious. 'I'm a physical coward. I can't stand pain.'

'Who said anything about pain? I'm a painless dentist!'

'You say so, but how do I know if it's true?'

'Not to worry,' the dentist said. 'I did a job exactly like this for another man. I'll give you his name and you can phone him right now. Ask if I caused him any pain.'

So the man telephoned George Kaplan in Brooklyn, 'Mr. Kaplan,' he said, 'my name is Al Goldstein. You don't know me, but I'm with your dentist and he says he did a big job on your teeth. Is that correct?'

'It is correct,' Kaplan agreed.

'OK,' said Goldstein. 'Now I want you to tell me the honest truth. Did it hurt? Tell me, yes or no?'

'A "yes" or "no" I can't give you,' said Kaplan. 'But I can give you a "for instance". Every Sunday I go rowing in Prospect Park.'

'So?' said Goldstein.

'So,' said Kaplan, 'our dentist finished with me in December. Now it's June and it's Sunday, and as usual I'm in my boat on the Prospect Park lake. Suddenly, one of the oars slips away. When I reach over to grab it, my balls get caught in the oarlock. Would you believe it, Mr. Goldstein, it was the first time in six months that my teeth didn't hurt!'

That's what the theory of relativity is.

--

Hah-Ha! *impersonates Nelson Muntz*

Good Thursday everyone! Well, I think I finally finished my online portfolio [for now], and created my business card and updated my resume as well. Whew! Most often, it's arduous to come up with something that represents - you and you only! We are our own worst enemies, or in my case, the most difficult client. heh! It's a process... I may like something today, but I might not like it so much tomorrow. But right now, it's good enough. I had a few different looks to my webpage, but this one is the most simple. And I think simple is good. What I said on the page isn't all that strictly professional, but I guess that's how I interact with others. I'm not out to be an executive or climb the corporate ladder. But if you read my resume, you know I had a lot of help on the copywriting.

This is a 2nd version of my business card [red and blue lines are bleed and trim lines]. I never created one before for myself. My first version wasn't much different, only the front was with black text on white, rather than white on red. I think the carmine makes it a bit more prominent, easier to 'pick out' from the rest. Mrhappysad. The 'sad' part might deter a good few people, but the name has stuck with me for as long as I can remember. Do you know why?

On my way to work this morning, I was thinking about my last work day on April 13th, I might take 2 weeks off after that. 'Off' as in not spending hours online job searching, networking, etc. Two weeks is a long time for me, and I want to use the time to really plan out what I really want to do. Most likely I'll stay in and do some 'spring' cleaning around the house, but I most particularly want to use the majority of my time off doing some night photography. I might head out after midnight or early morning when it's pitch dark. I would like to continue on where I left off last time, somewhat. This time, I think I'll start with the beach. That's my immediate plan. I'll start job searching early May. I think it's possible. Now if I could get Alec to okay it! :-)

I think that's all for this week. Oright, I have time to reply to email now that my portfolio / business card / resume are done. No more excuses! :-) I hope everyone is healthy, employed and happy. Take care of yourselves!

xo, r

Or is that Lego Red? Whichever! Y'know clients always tend to change their mind the very last minute? Yup, that includes me as well. This is it, final - dead final. Order placed. Woohoo!

I love this cover song by Michaela Melián. Have you heard the original version by Roxy Music? Good weekend everyone.

--

Currently listening:
Michaela Melián - Manifesto

Now when I look back at the card that I made, staring at it with my name on it, it is just a name on a card. Who is this person? Is it me? Does it represent who I am? How does anything come close to representing oneself? I am Chinese. I am gay. I am human. But again I ask the question―Who I am? Life seems a paradox wrapped in unimaginable mystery. Is life more logical than illogical? Somewhere states that the unknowable is the very heart of life, the very heartbeat of the universe...

We are multi-charactered. A simple core with many layers. Do we realize? I write and talk and write some more, doesn't really get me anywhere does it, but it's nice to think about these things sometimes. We use our eyes to see others and everything else in between and beyond, but we cannot use our eyes to see ourselves. When was the last time you looked in the mirror? What did you see? An interpretation of yourself, which is not you but a mere reflection. I can see every thing in this lifetime with my eyes but the one true thing―My face, My self.

Remembering the story of Ahangar, it moved me in many ways. Happysad! If you have read it before, I hope you enjoyed it. If you have not, it is one of my favorite folklore, and I hope you will get something out of it, whatever that may be.

Take heart to life.

--

Paradise of Song
Ahangar was a mighty swordsmith who lived in one of Afghanistan's remote eastern valleys. In time of peace he made steel ploughs, shoed horses and, above all, he sang.

The songs of Ahangar, who is known by different names in various parts of Central Asia, were eagerly listened to by the people of the valleys. They came from the forests of giant walnuts trees, from the snowcapped Hindu-Kush, from Qataghan and Badakhshan, from Khanabad and Kunar, from Herat and Paghman, to hear his songs.

Above all, the people came to hear the song of all songs, which was Ahangar's Song of the Valley of Paradise.

This song had a haunting quality, and a strange lilt, and most of all it had a story which was so strange that people felt they knew the remote Valley of Paradise of which the smith sang. Often they asked him to sing it when he was not in the mood to do so, and he would refuse. Sometimes people asked him whether the Valley was truly real, and Ahangar could only say:

"The Valley of the Song is as real as real can be."

"But how do you know?" the people would ask, "Have you ever been there?"

To Ahangar, and to nearly all the people who heard him, the Valley of the Song was, however, real, real as real can be.

Aisha, a local maiden whom he loved, doubted whether there was such a place. So, too, did Hasan, a braggart and fearsome swordsman who swore to marry Aisha, and who lost no opportunity of laughing at the smith.

One day, when the villagers were sitting around silently after Ahangar had been telling his tale to them, Hasan spoke:

"If you believe that this valley is so real, and that it is, as you say, in those mountains of Sangan yonder, where the blue haze rises, why do you not try to find it?".

"It would not be right, I know that," said Ahangar.

"You know what it is convenient to know, and do not know what you do not want to know!" shouted Hasan. "Now, my friend, I propose a test. You love Aisha, but she does not trust you. She has no faith in this absurd Valley of yours. You could never marry her, because when there is no confidence between man and wife, they are not happy and all manner of evils result."

"Do you expect me to go to the valley, then?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," said Hasan and all the audience together.

"If I go and return safely, will Aisha consent to marry me?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," murmured Aisha.

So Ahangar, collecting some dried mulberries and a scrap of bread, set off for the distant mountains.

He climbed and climbed, until he came to a wall which encircled the entire range. When he had ascended its sheer sides, there was another wall, even more precipitous then the first. After that there was a third, then a fourth, and finally a fifth wall.

Descending on the other side, Ahangar found that he was in a valley, strikingly similar to his own.

People came out to welcome him, and as he saw them, Ahangar realized that something very strange was happening.

Months later, Ahangar the Smith, walking like an old man, limped into his native village, and made for his humble hut.

As word of his return spread throughout the countryside, people gathered in front of his home to hear what his adventures had been.

Hasan the swordsman spoke for them all, and called Ahangar to his window.

There was a gasp as everyone saw how old he had become.

"Well, Master Ahangar, and did you reach the Valley of Paradise?"

"I did."

"And what was it like?"

Ahangar, fumbling for his words, looked at the assembled people with a weariness and hopelessness that he had never felt before. He said:

"I climbed and I climbed, and I climbed. When it seemed as though there could be no human habitation in such a desolate place, and after many trials and disappointments, I came upon a valley. This valley was exactly like the one in which we live. And then I saw the people. Those people are not only like us people: they are the same people. For every Hasan, every Aisha, every Ahangar, every anybody whom we have here, there is another one, exactly the same in that valley."

"These are likenesses and reflections to us, when we see such things. But it is we who are the likeness and reflection of them―we who are here, we are their twins..."

Everyone thought that Ahangar had gone mad through his privations, and Aisha married Hasan the swordsman. Ahangar rapidly grew old and died. And all the people, every one who had heard this story from the lips of Ahangar, first lost heart in their lives, then grew old and died, for they felt that something was going to happen over which they had no control and from which they had no hope, and so they lost interest in life itself.

It is only once in a thousand years that this secret is seen by man. When he sees it, he is changed. When he tells its bare facts to others, they wither and die out.

People think that such an event is a catastrophe, and so they must not know about it, for they cannot understand [such is the nature of their ordinary life] that they have more selves than one, more hopes than one, more chances than one―up there, in the Paradise of the Song of Ahangar, the mighty smith.

Text: Idries Shah